Goodbye 30s

 Today is the last day of my 30s. Overall my 30s have been good. However, the last couple years have been terrible. Besides the birth of my twin nephews (my little brother and his wife’s kids)…39 was horrific and I can’t wait to start my life in my 40s! 

I pray everyone reading this blog has received comfort and entertain. It’s been a nice outlet to release certain thoughts. 

I haven’t decided what I’m going to do to chronicle my 40s. Maybe I’m confident enough now to start a VLOG?! 😁🤷🏽‍♂️

Thanks for reading.

The Confession

(This post created 12/28/16)

Hey Kids!

Let's jump straight into this...I have a confession to make. I no longer have control over my emotions. Haven't for awhile now. Use to have a HUGE problem with it. But now I’m kinda of elated and relieved. It's funny when you allow the things you can't control to run their course. For months now I've been genuinely happy for the most part. Have there been some days that I've hated life and not wanted to get out of bed...ABSOLUTELY! We all have those kind of days...it makes us human. BUT it's what we decide to do during those times that separate us. I chose to continue to be the awesome person I am and fight through pain and hurt by doing new things I've discovered I enjoy. And I've let go of things that were bad for me that I use to enjoy doing. Such as eating unhealthy all the time and watching an absurd amount of the Tele. I can't remember the last time I sat down and watched tv for more than 30 minutes that wasn't a football game. And it's freed up my time to do other things I should of been doing consistently for years and that's taking care of my body and actually enjoying life. I've made a decision that I know is going to change my life whether it goes the way I want it too or not. But at this point I no longer have control. I just hope it's a good decision and one that I can handle if the consequence is negative. 

So I've got to ask...are you in control of your emotions? 

Growth and Acceptance

Greensboro, NC: is where I was born and raised. 

Raliegh-Durham, NC: is where I found myself.

Houston, TX: is where I grew up.

Atlanta, GA: is where I fell. 

(this post started 7/6/17)
Hey Kids!

Some gay men grow up believing that they too can have a heteronormative existence.  They can have the wife, kids, dog and house. They only have to deny that part of them they find the most natural. The part of them that makes them so special and unique. So instead of bending over to the standards society tells us that we should live up too, gay men like myself either bend over (or bend someone else over) for authentic living.  But it does come at a cost. 

I remember one day heading to church with my parents and siblings, I couldn't of been more than 10. I told my parents about a dream I had. I was this rich well known doctor that lived in a mansion, had twin sons and a beautiful dog.  I don't remember what kind of dog now and it's not relevant to this post. I was so excited. But not for the reasons my parents to thought. They were so happy to hear about it. They listened intensively and once I finished, praised me for having a vision or a glimpse into my future that God had allowed me to see.  Unbeknownst to them and myself at the time, it was a lie. I remember my father telling me, dreams like that are special and I shouldn't tell anyone about them because they may try to ruin it for me. Something I took close to heart. The reason why that dream was a lie is because that's not the dream life God had for me. He was showing me the dream my parents had for me. 

As their oldest child I always did what I was supposed to do. Of course, I had typical childhood rebellions and difficulties but nothing that warranted an ass whooping.  I was inquisitive.  That particular characteristic has only gotten more intense throughout the years. I wanted to learn and I wanted to know how to be the best. Most importantly, I wanted to learn how to accomplish what I saw in that dream. Once I made the decision to chase it, I was unstoppable in my determination and ambition.  This all sounds like I was a great kid and child to raise and know.  I WAS!! Every adult that came into my life ended up being enamored with me.  After all what are people supposed to do once they meet a very respectful, smart, polite and well mannered little boy who made it a point to display all those things so they won't be privy to my sexuality.

This became the norm for me. I could see that dream becoming more and more of a reality.  I just had to make sure I kept up appearances with EVERYONE, including myself.  

"When I look back over my life. And think things over. I can truly say, that I've been blessed. I've got a testimony."
Any church queen worth their bible knows that's a popular verse from a popular song. I just thought of it because it reminds me of the point of this post. We have all gone through things that have helped shape and define us. WE have all made decisions whether good or bad, that have molded us. One decision I made a long time ago is that I wasn't going to live a lie for anyone. I love my parents to death but I am not going to live a lie to make them happy while I'm miserable. I've lived that life before. And I couldn't wait to break free and live on my terms.

It took till I turned over 30 to realize that I can still have all the things that my community, the black LGBTQ, is good for telling us that we don't belong or we can't have because we don't fit into their perfect bubble of "normal". A lot of my friends in the community have convinced themselves that they shouldn't want the things they've always wanted because that's not "Of God" or it "goes against nature" etc. If you allow it people will have you believing all kinds of things that aren't true. When in actuality if God wanted all of us to be the same...HE WOULD OF MADE ALL OF US THE SAME!!! 

So with that being said. I am not longer concerned with trying to play by the heteronormative views that our bible pumping (when it suits their cause) and closed minded leaders want all of us to have. I know who I am and it's taken me a very long time to accept and LOVE me (bc for a very long time, I didn't). Just like when I made the decision to come out the closet back in college...I'm not going back to how I use to be.

So I have to ask...what's your testimony? 

Make It Work

Hey Kids! 

So I have some bad news. I think I'm falling for #You. I know you're thinking..."No MJ you can't! Not you! We believed in You!" I know I know. I'm a little disappointed in myself but it's just been happening. And when I thought I was about to lose him that had a profound impact on my life. Never thought I'd ever feel again...but low and behold #You has brought that out of me too. Allow me to explain...

So it's Friday evening and I'm out with #You helping him celebrate his birthday. Things are going great then it turns to shit! Cut to us in a vacate parking lot arguing over me not expressing my feelings and still fighting what's happening between us. I understood what he was telling me and why he was upset. I felt like he was overreacting and being a brat. He admitted to the brat part but not the overreacting part until the next day. Next thing you know he starts telling me "the nigga I wanted to spend my birthday with the most and the one I care about the most is the one that's ruining my birthday." As he's saying this tears start running down his face. And then he exclaims "I'm done with this!" Now I'm not sure what got in me but watching him cry and fuss, cut me deep! If I wasn't sure of how I felt about him before then I sure as hell knew after that moment. Because all I wanted to do was make him feel better and try to fix the problem. I still feel a pain in my heart when that image replays some nights when I close my eyes. This mind doesn't forget anything and remembers EVERYTHING I don't want it too! It's a blessing and a curse. 

Well we talked for about another 2 hours in my car and then went our separate ways. That was not how the evening was supposed to go at all. We were supposed to close the night out in each other's arms. Instead it closed with him being hurt and pissed off at me and me being hurt and pissed at myself. I mean all this man wants me to do is be more expressive when it comes to us and not just go with the flow all the time...you know have a back bone. I don't know what's happened with me and my feelings and heart in the past few years. But I am closed off, expressionless and fighting my feelings for him...STILL!! They are just developing so fast. And I can't control them. And relinquishing control is hard for me to do as well. 

But I need to learn how to do that and fast! Because one thing I am certain of is that I don't want to lose him. And I want to continue to get to know more about him. It's time to "Make it Work" 

Saturday morning he sent me a text apologizing saying he overreacted in his delivery but still stands by what he said. We had both been crying all night behaving like love sick lesbians in my opinion haha 

He sent me a song he wanted me to listen too. It was totally unexpected and that's what he's so good at and how he keeps capturing pieces of my heart...he's so unpredictable and continues to surprise me. The song is Ne-Yo's "Make it Work" if you've never listened to it before it's a must. It just spoke volumes to our situation. 

Needless to say we ended up having a great weekend together and he got the great birthday celebration he'd been wanting and expecting. 

I don't know what's to come next but I do know that I'm looking forward to making it work. It's time for me to grow up and face some hard uncomfortable truths. 

So I've got to ask...what's it take for you and your boo to make it work? 

The Friend with Benefits

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/friends-with-benefits-would-work

Hey Kids!!

I want you to take a minute to check out this graph I put on here. Now after you've looked it over...think about that person you constantly see for a little something something. If you are thinking about your boyfriend/girlfriend this post is not going to be for you. However, if you're thinking about the fuck buddy, friend with benefit or maybe you have a cute nickname for them like, #You then please continue to read. I will be honest. I've had several drinks tonight and I might get a little preachy but just blame it on the Goose because it definitely has me LOOSE!!!

Now I started this post back in July of this month. I was about to start writing about the young man that I met the second week in September of 2015. He's in college, cute, nice little muscular cub build and he identifies as straight, even though he loves for me to eat his ass and put my cock in his nice tight muscle booty. Now how we met isn't important for this post.  I'm not even going to go in to any more detail about him because now that it's almost December and I no longer live in Houston...we'll talk about someone else. I will say this though. Youngin (that's what I call him) definitely came into my life during a time that I needed to meet someone like him. Who knows what might of happened if I didn't meet him when I did. We are still friends and keep in touch regularly.

Let's get to the reason I revisited this post. The subject of "Friends with Benefits" and "Fuck Buddies" have never really been an issue for me. I've had/have Fuck Buddies and I've had/have Friends with Benefits. For those of you that don't know the difference please look at the chart above. I will also say that for me fuck buddies are like regular hookups.  You don't really talk to them, they come over to get a job done (which is to get you off and themselves) and then they leave until the next time. Sometimes the next time can be the next day, a once a week thing or an every now and then thing depending on everyones schedule.  Now a friend with benefits is a friend you hang out with, you guys talk and go places, the same thing that you would do with your friends (the friendship). The only thing that's different is that if the mood hits and there's no one else around you two are ok and ABLE TO HANDLE getting each other off (the benefits).

Now these arrangements don't work for everyone. These arrangements are NOT for everyone.  Matter a fact if you are someone who can't separate sex and your feelings then NEITHER of those situations will work for you.

Throughout the years I've had both. Throughout the years I've been able to handle both. Throughout the years I've been able to have both as well as hookup with others too. And I think it's very important that you are hooking up, meeting other people and dating when you have those types of arrangements. Have there been times where I've had to cut out one of those arrangements with someone, YES. Have there been times when someone has had to cut it out with me, YES! But for the first time in my 34 years I'm entering a situation where I have no idea what to do. If you're still reading let me tell you about it.

Labor Day 2015 while in Atlanta a good friend of mine introduced me to someone he'd been wanting me to meet.  We will call him #You. This wasn't a "I think you guys would be good together" meet and greet...this was a "I know you two are each others type and you both love to fuck and I know you'll enjoy each other." So we met...my friend was right...we were both attracted to each other and we made it do what it do...TWICE!!!

So it would be another year before this guy and I saw each other. But we stayed in touch. When I moved to the Atlanta area we made plans to see each other again.  Nothing special, just a hook up late one Friday night. Well the sex was the effing BOMB!! I mean it was just what I needed and apparently it was what he needed as well. He wanted to come back and do it again the next day but that wasn't happening because I didn't want him thinking he had it like that (which he knew he did). So eventually we started getting together once a week. He had become my new ATL fuck buddy and things were going well. The sex was AMAZING and we both had a strong attraction and desire for the other and both felt the same way about how good we thought the sex was.

Then we started to fuck up. We started talking regularly and often and doing things I usually leave out and that's kissing and making out, communicating thoughts and desires.  So we became friends with benefits. I'm fine with that he was fine with it...it wasn't defined, it wasn't labeled it just was what it was.  We knew what it was. So it was cool. Well we fucked up again. OR better yet I did.
My friend that introduced us is a mutual friend of both #You and I. And since I wasn't really discussing him with anyone, I would mention #You every now and then whenever his name was brought up. One day when hanging out...my friend decided that apparently he'd had enough of myself and #You mentioning each other to him. So one day when the two of us were hanging out he decides to tell me that I need to stop playing myself and admit that I like #You. He also suggested that I ask the boy out on a date.  I thought he was being ridiculous. I told him such. Well I fucked up again and went ahead and asked #You out.

#You fucked up by saying yes "I'm with it."

Now I told myself I was just going to go on this date and prove to myself, my friend and #You that there's nothing between the two of us but a physical attraction that leads to good sex. That #You is not dateable and that I would see that and we would return to our usually scheduled program.

Well that's not what happened. Actually the complete opposite happened. We ended up having a great date and a good time together. We also decided that we'd both end the date with just a kiss and nothing more. Again another place we fucked up. If we had went a head and done what we both wanted to do and had been doing then I think things would be different. But NOOO we had to do the right thing and make sure our date ended nicely and appropriately and showed that we could hang out with each other without planning to fuck each other.

So from then on our conversations moved from just ideal chit chat about any and everything like most friends' convos are to more conversations centered around each other. Such as our quirks, dislikes, how we handle things, you know the things you talk about so someone can get to know you on a more intimate level. We would continue to see each other once a week but now it included us going out and doing something first (like bowling, movies, dinner, etc) then we'd end the night with sex and pillow talk. The pillow talk is another place we fucked up.

Now on the outside looking in you'd think things between us were going great. Well they were! And that's the problem. Now #You and I have that opposites attract thing going. We have a connection and good chemistry that apparently others we don't even talk too can see...

*This is what happened in reference to that* (was called out at a Halloween party by a friend of a friend asking why me and #You weren't an item and had I ever thought about getting up with him and that we'd be cute together, etc. At first I just thought he was trying to be messy and nosey so I played dumb but then I realized he doesn't know me or #You so he must really be going off of what he picked up on from seeing us at the party. Which again I thought was crazy because we both made sure we weren't around each other and didn't even walk into the party together.  Again I hadn't spoken with anyone about him and I'm sure he hadn't either. So I asked my friend that introduced us and he said he hadn't spoken to anyone and that the guy was just saying out loud what a lot of other people were thinking.)

So I'm sure you're probably asking..."Bitch what's the problem!" WELL the problem is that neither one of us wants to like the other. The problem is neither one of us wants to be in a relationship. The problem is I don't want to feel this way about a guy like him. The problem is the feelings we have aren't being suppressed no matter how hard we both are trying. The problem is trying to suppress how I feel is causing me to do dumb shit that's not in my character. The problem is HE'S JUST SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCK BUDDY!!! The problem is I'm crazy about him and I don't want anything to change. The biggest problem is that my feelings scare me because he might be the one, flaws and all.

In one of our many discussions we both have said that we can no longer suppress how we are feeling for the other. He's proven this in the last couple weeks by expressing himself and telling me that he likes me and I scare him. That when he asked himself why he was continuing to fight his feelings for me he no longer had an answer. I returned these statements with things like "oh really. Oh ok. Yeah I know. I've known for awhile." nothing that would allow myself to be vulnerable or let him know how I was feeling. I was still trying to suppress.

Well I can no longer suppress. It's starting to interfere with things between him and me. I'm supposed to tell him how I'm feeling and do something that includes one of the few things I'm not good at and that's expressing myself and how I feel. To me when I express myself it makes things real and I can no longer pretend and the person can no longer pretend they don't know. Expressing myself is one of the things he's constantly telling me he wants me to do better at and to work on. So when I told him that the next time we saw each other I wanted to express somethings to him...I know he was pleased to hear that.

Now before my one follower gets all excited. I am NOT telling him that I want to be with him. Because at this time that would be a lie. I am NOT telling him that I want things between us to be completely different because that would be a lie also and it's unnecessary because we both already treat the other better and differently than we do our other friends with benefits and fuck buddies. I think what I'll do is simply tell him how I feel about him and also let him know that doesn't mean I want us to be in a relationship or change what we are already doing. The feelings I have for him formed at their own accord so it's probably best that they work themselves out that way too. I'll do my part by letting him know what's up.  And we are both head strong enough to move on from there without complicating things.

So what do you think...is the chart above right? If you have a good friendship, good sex and love does that equal the elusive perfect match? 

Dear Black Jesus, Why did you make me a slut!!

https://i.ytimg.com/sh/dCFCrJUTtOI/showposter.jpg?v=53dbc1db

Hey Kids!

I know I've been gone for a minute BUT I promise it was for good reason. But I'm not going to bore my one reader with that information. Let's get to the Tea!!

So I've been trying to tame my slut spirit over the holidays. I spoke previously about having a whore spirit. I'm off for two weeks and for some reason the slut in me thinks it's time to GET. IT. IN! But after sooo many years doing hookups and having causal sex maybe it's time to start thinking about more important things. Like actually getting out there and trying this thing called "love" again. But every time I think that's what I'm going to do the devil decides to tempt me and my slut spirit always seems to take me over! For example, you all have been to the bookstore and been approached by a tall handsome sexually frustrated husband/father who just wants to feel someone's mouth on his big cock while you're shopping for the new ESPN body edition, right? (Crickets) 

And you try to ignore his subtle glances and not so subtle crouch adjustments. I mean this man can't possibly know I love sucking Dick, right? (Blank stare) 

You think you've successfully ignored his advancements because he disappears. Then next thing you know he's right beside you pretending to look at the same mags as you. (Sir I know you not looking at Martha Stewart Living and Rachel) 

He moves across you and says "excuse me bro" as he picks up a magazine that he would have to cross in front of you to get. You catch a wiff of his scent and it stirs awake the slut in you. Because you can admire and ignore a fine man but a fine man that smells like a mixture of man and the subtle hint of a nice cologne and the force awakens! 

I looked up from what I was pretending to read and told him "oh no problem playa." (Hey I'm a hot gay nerd I'm not ashamed to admit my pickup lines and flirting needs some work)

I offered him a smile and a little lick of my lips, which is what I knew drew him to me in the first place. That gave him the confirmation he was looking for. He made sure he turned towards me while pretending to read and thrusted out his large bulge. Since the slut in me had taken over I looked straight at what he wanted me to look at and my mouth started watering and lips became really wet. I looked up and saw him smiling at me staring at him and his bulge started getting bigger. He had me and he knew it. 

I met his glaze and he nodded for me to follow him. As I turned to follow him out the BN I sighed because I knew that in a few minutes I'd be deep throating another strange man AGAIN and I was overcome with excitement. 

Cut to us behind the shopping center in a dark corner with a little safety light giving a little light. No words exchanged just me getting in place and him sticking his manhood in my mouth and releasing a series of moans just to finally get that warm wet mouth feeling he'd clearly been denied. I felt bad for him. I mean what kind of prudish tired woman is he married too that doesn't want to take this fine ass man's 9 thick inches deep in her mouth every time he walks in the door? So I let him instruct me and guide my actions so that he could get his Christmas wish. 

After about 5 minutes he tightened up, gripped my head real tight and forced himself all the way to the base, yelled "FUCK I'M CUMMING." and he busted what felt like a pint of warm creamy substance down my throat. I milked him with my throat and he just continued to shoot and moan holding me tightly in place the whole time. I continued to let him control things so he could enjoy his orgasm. 

After what felt like the 10 minute orgasm he finally let go of my head and pulled himself out of my mouth. He had an euphoric expression on his face like he was still in a state of pure ecstasy but had also accomplished something he'd been wanting for a long time. I asked him "if he was alright?" He just stood there in his trance blocking me in the corner so I couldn't leave. I gave him another minute or two of silence then I spoke up "umm sir is everything alright? You're blocking me in." 

He came down from his high and gave me a sexy ass smile and rubbed my lips "I knew those would be special but damn!" I just gave him an appreciative grin. (I hate compliments and small talk after nutting in these circumstances.) I started to get up so he would take the hint that this is over. He backed up and started pulling his pants up. While he was doing that I wiped my mouth and made sure I didn't have any moisture stains on my knees. He reached in his pocket and handed me a couple $20s. I refused and told him "I'm a slut not a whore. Don't insult me." 

He began the whole "I've never done this so I didn't know what was supposed to happen next...blah blah blah speech." I told him "word of advice next time you do this for the first time, don't offer anyone any money. Guys like me love pleasing fine man with big dicks like yourself. Don't ruin both sexual highs by being insulting with money." 

He smiled and put the money up. Took out his phone and handed it to me for my number. His wedding ring catching the little glimpses of light. I shook my head no while tapping his ring. He put his phone up said "Thank you and Merry Christmas." I nodded my head as a way to say "Ditto" we walked back to the front of the BN. I made sure he saw me go back into the store. Before I went in I turned around to see him staring at me with that sexy ass smile. I licked my lips and winked at him and walked back in the store to finish my magazine and book shopping. Secretly hoping that he got the hint that he knows where to find me. 

Now I know I'm not the only slut that something like this has happened too. But I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can do things like that without wanting something more. Maybe it's the holidays that have me feeling this way. This is the loneliest time of year for single people. (so they say) 

Maybe I should of exchanged numbers with that man for some more secret encounters. No. I did the right thing. Hopefully this encounter has tamed the slut in me long enough for me to figure out how to kill that bitch! 

So I've got to ask do you believe a slut can become a housewife/husband? 

Vacation 2015

(This post first created 7/5/2015)


Hey Kids!!

If you have not seen the clip above...you need to watch! Key and Peele are a hilarious duo and show.  My friends and I were quoting this all last weekend during Gay Pride in NYC after the supreme court ruling...lol "We getting married!!"

SOooo I finally had a vacation after about a year and a half.  I'm sure my one fan will probably say that I've had plenty of time off from work because of school breaks and going home to NC to visit family, etc.  Ummm that's not a vacation to me.  A vacation to me is when I plan to go somewhere, save my money to get there and then do nothing but lay on a beach or by a pool or get drunk and meet new people in cities I don't live in or were born/grew up in.   So this year being the first year in I can't even remember how long I was not taking any summer classes or having to do school work, etc. I was able to really enjoy myself.  I went to a resort in Cancun, Mexico for a dear friend's 50th birthday.  That was a lot of fun!  If you have never stayed at an all inclusive resort I HIGHLY recommend it!  I mean top self liquor and food anytime I wanted it!  And best of all...it was already paid for!  Yeah I had a mini orgasm a couple hours after I got there and had already had about 5 Grey Gooses on the rocks and realized that I hadn't even made it to my room yet and that I had 4 other days to go.  It was a great time...met some hot guys and made some new friends...all in all a wonderful trip.

Once I got back from Mexico, I hopped on a plane and went to NYC and Philly for a week.  So Philly was interesting I actually got a chance to see more of Philly than the tourist spots like Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell, which I have been to more than I care to mention.  I stayed with one of my buddies who just moved there from Atlanta.  I was there for a couple days.  Nothing really to report while there except that Uber and I became besties lol.

After a couple days in Philly, I headed to New York City. Instead of taking the train I decided to give MegaBus a try. Now I was very concerned about MegaBus because it's cheap and it's become very popular. And that's usually a recipe for disaster. You know certain elements love to partake in cheap popular things lol. So I did make sure I got a reserved seat, which was the best decision I made that entire week. There was wifi and power outlets on the bus and the best part of all the guy who ended up in the seat beside was soooo cute and soooo my type. We sparked a conversation over the power outlets and ended up in his hotel room once we got to NYC!! 

Okay let me stop. That's what I wanted to happen lol. What really happened was neither one of spoke to the other. I didn't get any gay vibes from him so I took it he was straight. When I was struggling to get my phone plugged up in one of the outlets he offered his assistance. So that showed me he wasn't an asshole. He had headphones on the entire time and I know when I do that it means I don't want to be bothered so I gave him that courtesy. I put mine in too and enjoyed the scenery traveling by bus offers. It was a very relaxing ride and I'd definitely do it again. I just hope all my MegaBus experiences include a charming Bostonian bus driver complete with a thick Boston Accent and a hatred for the Yankees!


So while in NYC I met up with some friends from Houston.  A friend and his partner from Miami were also in the city ready to have a good time.  One was in town for business and the other was there for vacation (we coordinated it like that).  It was a good trip.  I didn't do all of the shenanigans that I usually do while in NYC.  I guess maybe I'm growing up.  I went to the gay pride parade for the first time and it was definitely a sight to see.  It wasn't like any gay pride parade I'd ever seen before.  I was so overwhelmed by the crowd, participants and just the over all atmosphere I became a little emotional.  So of course I held myself together because that's what all butch gay boys do.  But while eating lunch with my friends and reminiscing about the parade and in particular the PFLAG portion and a father and son came walking, embracing and showing how much they love each other and are proud of the other.  The father was holding a sign that said "I love my gay son." When I recalled that moment I could no longer hold in my emotions and had a little break down.  But luckily I was amongst close friends and they knew how to handle me in this situation.  1. Give me my space and 2. Only talk about it if I want too and never mention it again.  

But all in all it was a great trip.  Did my first Bear Booze cruise.  But it was a dry cruise for me because it was cash bar only and I only had a credit card.  But the SIGHTS both on the boat and surrounding it were worth it for me.  I love NYC and one day I'm going to see what it's like to live there.

So I got to ask, how was your summer vacation?