Growth and Acceptance

Greensboro, NC: is where I was born and raised. 

Raliegh-Durham, NC: is where I found myself.

Houston, TX: is where I grew up.

Atlanta, GA: is where I fell. 

(this post started 7/6/17)
Hey Kids!

Some gay men grow up believing that they too can have a heteronormative existence.  They can have the wife, kids, dog and house. They only have to deny that part of them they find the most natural. The part of them that makes them so special and unique. So instead of bending over to the standards society tells us that we should live up too, gay men like myself either bend over (or bend someone else over) for authentic living.  But it does come at a cost. 

I remember one day heading to church with my parents and siblings, I couldn't of been more than 10. I told my parents about a dream I had. I was this rich well known doctor that lived in a mansion, had twin sons and a beautiful dog.  I don't remember what kind of dog now and it's not relevant to this post. I was so excited. But not for the reasons my parents to thought. They were so happy to hear about it. They listened intensively and once I finished, praised me for having a vision or a glimpse into my future that God had allowed me to see.  Unbeknownst to them and myself at the time, it was a lie. I remember my father telling me, dreams like that are special and I shouldn't tell anyone about them because they may try to ruin it for me. Something I took close to heart. The reason why that dream was a lie is because that's not the dream life God had for me. He was showing me the dream my parents had for me. 

As their oldest child I always did what I was supposed to do. Of course, I had typical childhood rebellions and difficulties but nothing that warranted an ass whooping.  I was inquisitive.  That particular characteristic has only gotten more intense throughout the years. I wanted to learn and I wanted to know how to be the best. Most importantly, I wanted to learn how to accomplish what I saw in that dream. Once I made the decision to chase it, I was unstoppable in my determination and ambition.  This all sounds like I was a great kid and child to raise and know.  I WAS!! Every adult that came into my life ended up being enamored with me.  After all what are people supposed to do once they meet a very respectful, smart, polite and well mannered little boy who made it a point to display all those things so they won't be privy to my sexuality.

This became the norm for me. I could see that dream becoming more and more of a reality.  I just had to make sure I kept up appearances with EVERYONE, including myself.  

"When I look back over my life. And think things over. I can truly say, that I've been blessed. I've got a testimony."
Any church queen worth their bible knows that's a popular verse from a popular song. I just thought of it because it reminds me of the point of this post. We have all gone through things that have helped shape and define us. WE have all made decisions whether good or bad, that have molded us. One decision I made a long time ago is that I wasn't going to live a lie for anyone. I love my parents to death but I am not going to live a lie to make them happy while I'm miserable. I've lived that life before. And I couldn't wait to break free and live on my terms.

It took till I turned over 30 to realize that I can still have all the things that my community, the black LGBTQ, is good for telling us that we don't belong or we can't have because we don't fit into their perfect bubble of "normal". A lot of my friends in the community have convinced themselves that they shouldn't want the things they've always wanted because that's not "Of God" or it "goes against nature" etc. If you allow it people will have you believing all kinds of things that aren't true. When in actuality if God wanted all of us to be the same...HE WOULD OF MADE ALL OF US THE SAME!!! 

So with that being said. I am not longer concerned with trying to play by the heteronormative views that our bible pumping (when it suits their cause) and closed minded leaders want all of us to have. I know who I am and it's taken me a very long time to accept and LOVE me (bc for a very long time, I didn't). Just like when I made the decision to come out the closet back in college...I'm not going back to how I use to be.

So I have to ask...what's your testimony?